I Don't Understand
by Silver Dread
Summary: Russia can't seem to understand why everyone treats him the way they do. He hates it and just wishes for it to end, even if it seems impossible. (Suicidal!Russia (you've been warned.)) [So sorry it's so short!]


I don't understand a lot of things.

I don't understand why people call me a murderer. I don't understand why people call me a rapist. I don't understand why the run and shake whenever I'm near. I don't understand how they can whisper such horrible things about me. I don't understand why they all hate me.

I just don't.

I'm all alone. I haven't always been alone, but everyone has gradually left me. I don't understand why they would do that. I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I don't like being alone. I just want a friend, someone I can talk to and be with. But everyone just runs from me. Nobody will even give me a chance to be friends, and I really don't understand it.

I didn't ask to be raised the way I was. Everyone always bullied me and pushed me around. I didn't like it. I only wanted to make them stop and ensure nobody would bully me again. But now nobody will even come near me. All I've ever seen was blood and death, yet everyone else seems so afraid of it. They're so hateful of it. I don't understand why I was given that childhood. I don't understand how everyone can just hurt me and bully me then abandon me.

It's so dark at my house. It's always so dark and cold. General Winter torments me constantly, and I don't know why. I'm stuck with the ice and snow and I hate it. I don't know if I can feel warmth anymore. My home has chilled me to the bone and I've gone numb. I don't think I can physically feel anything anymore. Everyone is so lucky to be able to feel. They can feel warmth and softness and roughness and pain. I don't understand why people don't like it when I give them a chance to take advantage of their ability to feel.

Warmth is a foreign thing to me and I just wish for that. Everyone denies me it though. Companionship is all I ask for. Just somebody to hold and bring back the feeling in my skin. Maybe somebody could teach me to feel again, but they all run away. All I ask for is a hug, an opportunity to be warm again, but nobody will give me one. I cling to everything that could be warm, especially the scarf my sister gave me. I don't understand why I still can't seem to feel it. I don't understand why nobody will help me feel warmth either.

I may not understand a lot of things, but I understand how I feel perfectly. I understand my growing hatred for everyone. I understand that I'm absolutely done with this treatment. I want it to end. I know I want them to accept me, but they won't. I know there is nothing I can do to change others or myself. I feel empty and alone, yet there's nothing I can do. I want the suffering to end. I know I can't feel physical pain, but the emotional pain is too much. I understand that I can't take much more of this.

Because of all of these things, I understand why I now hold a pistol in my right hand. I hold it up to my temple, tears streaming down my face. Uncontrollable laughter rips through my throat and out my mouth. I understand why I want to pull the trigger so bad. So I do just that. The loud bang nearly deafens me and the metal bullet buries itself in my skull, wriggling out the other side again.

I don't understand, however, why I still stand. Why I'm still forced to breathe. Why I just won't die. Repeatedly, I pull the trigger and blood spatters everywhere. I don't understand why, no matter what I do, I won't die. Even when I tried to slit my throat as a child, leaving a deep scar and forcing me to wear bandages around my neck. Even when I jump from a plane, thousands of miles above the harsh snow covered ground. Even when I empty all of the bullets of this useless pistol into my brain, causing blood to drain down the side of my face and stain my beloved scarf. Despite all of that, I still can't die.

It's so cruel that I won't die. All I want now is to be left alone forever and the one way to do that is to just die. But it doesn't seem to be working. I try and try, yet I just can't die. I fall to my knees, my usual grin on my face still trying to hide my pain. Hiding just how much I want to die. I really want to. I want to just leave all of these mean annoying people so badly. But I can't.

I don't understand it.

* * *

I'm sorry this is so short. I honestly had a hard time writing it; I had to restart several times. I just really wanted to write something for Russia. I hate how everyone hates on him so much. This is just how I see him. If you don't like it, then I can't help you. *shrugs*

Thank you all so much for reading! Reviews are appreciated and loved greatly!

PS- Become one with Russia, da? ^J^


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